Defeat

Blog By Nurse Vanessa -

We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated.

-Maya Angelou

If you’re a human, you know it. If you’re a nurse, you know it well. I took on this topic because it was this feeling of defeat that prompted me to create this project.

Several months ago, there was a situation at work that weighed heavy on my heart. I had so many complex feelings attached to the outcome of a particular patient. It felt impossible for me to identify what was happening inside. Has that happened to you before? The size, weight and appearance of your feelings make them completely unidentifiable. It’s at the tip of your tongue but your brain can’t make the connection. Big enough to crush; small enough to fit within our most isolated spaces.

I kept looking, examining, and searching for what this was inside me. Defeat kept coming to mind, but I would dismiss it. After all, I didn’t lose a battle; I didn’t fail to attain a particular goal. But the word defeat kept resurfacing. Finally, the connection was made. I lacked the ability to comprehend the situation with this patient no matter how hard I tried. This was defeat in the truest sense of the word.

We use our minds and hearts to provide the best possible care. Yet, no matter how hard we try, the unexpected happens. We ruminate and ask ourselves “did I make all the right decisions? Did I miss something?” I would love to sit here and write, “Of course not! You did everything perfectly.” What a lovely reality that would be. Afterall, for the past three years society has officially deemed us “superheroes.” But that's just it, we aren’t superhuman, what we are is super human. As much as it hurts the truth is, there may have been a better decision. However, this doesn’t mean that your decision was wrong or that you made a grave error in clinical judgement.

To be human means that we have limitations, we can’t foresee all the possibilities. We will NEVER have a 100% perfect decision-making record. Those of us who live life as if nursing perfection is an attainable goal, will without a doubt suffer greatly when facing feelings of defeat. Truthfully, we will continue to lose patients and the interventions we implement may not have the outcome we hoped for. Simply put: It will hurt. This pain is not necessarily a terrible thing, it’s a signal to the brain. It indicates that your heart is still in the fight, and astonishingly you haven’t disassociated yourself from the humans you serve. In fact, you are very much alive; you’re not dead inside.

We cannot fully understand the world of suffering. Mothers were not built to bury their children and children were not made for dying. Clinically, we know why the body stops living. However, our mind is defeated when we try to comprehend the process of suffering and death itself. I know why they are here, but to make sense of such a cruel enemy is fruitless. Acceptance of human limitations is the only effective analgesic for defeat. It helps us shift our focus so that we learn how to support ourselves during these demanding times.

Maya Angelou once said, “We may encounter many defeats, but we must never be defeated.” We are only ever defeated when we stop showing up. Remember you are NOT superhuman, what you are is super human. And being super human is what makes nurses beautiful. Despite having an extremely human heart, you have the courage to show up and share it. Some days will be harder than others. On those days when the suffering is too heavy, I hope you choose acceptance of yourself and your personal limitations. Meeting defeat, this inability to comprehend, with acceptance is the only way.

Practical ways I support myself when managing defeat:

1. Getting out of my head and into my body. Some of my favorite ways: lap swimming, Pilates, and nature walks.

2. Reinforcing my spiritual beliefs regarding hope.

3. Adequate hydration while nourishing my body with healthy food.

4. Baking. Measuring and mixing smooths out the thinking process, helps me deal with uncertainty in a creative way.